At an intervention

Intervener 1: We're here because we love you.

Addict: I don't believe that! It's because you don't love me!

Intervener 2: We miss the old you! You've changed.

Intervener 1: I just don't know you anymore! Where was the man I married.

Addict: It's not going to happen!

Intervener 2: It has to...

Addict: You're not going to put me away in some rehab place!

Intervener 3: That's what Sheen said.

(All look at him)

Intervener 1: Why did we invite him?

Talkin' to Sheen himself

Charlie Sheen: So you want to get a burger for lunch?

Person 1: That's what Sheen said.

Charlie Sheen: Alright, you really need to stop that.

Talking 'bout last night

Person 1: So I brought three girls home last night.

Person 2: No way!

Person 1: Absolutely...

Person 2: So what'd you do?

Person 1: We all drank some, did a little blow, and then all just started fucking all over the couch.

Person 2: Wow, sounds like a playboy thing to do!

Person 1: Yeah... and then, when we were done, we all sat back and watched a hilarious episode of two and a half men.

Person 2: THAT'S WHAT SHEEN SAID!

Person 1: HA! YEAH! I bet after he has sex with women he makes them watch him on two and a half men.

Person 2: Yeah, I could see that.

Dividing the bill...

Person 1: Well I only got a coffee and eggs, so I don't think I need to put in this much.

Person 2: But I'm just saying we might as well split it evenly, 50/50, it's only like 2 dollars more.

Person 1: Sure, but I just don't think that's fair.

Person 2: A lot of things aren't fair.

Person 1: Like what?

Person 2: Like, I don't know, I grew up with a ridiculously successful father and I don't know if I'm ever going to amount to him...

(Pause)

Person 1: That's what Sheen said.

(High five each other)

Person 2: Nice.